Wednesday, August 21, 2013

The Girly Guide to the Country Life.

I've decided that if I were to write a book (don't get nervous, this is only pretend) I would title it:

The Girly Guide to the Country Life

It would include ranch fashion tips, quick dinner recipes for your rancher, de-stress tactics and overall lifestyle tips.

Chapter 1: Ranch Fashion Yes, there is such a thing.
1. Do not wear long, flowy dresses while outside especially when near barbed wire fences.

2. Do wear nail polish as often as possible so people know you are a girl and

3. Let your hair grow long so when you are 'working' and have a cap on, people will not say, "Excuse me, young man." as they drive up behind you.

4. Wear shiny earrings all.the.time again, so people know you are a girl and make sure they have backs on them otherwise you will find your earring months later scratched, bent and unwearable.

5. NEVER throw a good pair of jeans on when you think it will be a quick and easy chore. Nothing is ever quick or easy on the ranch. You WILL rip them.

6. Don't pay attention when Judgy McJudgerson asks you if you put on make up to do chores. Nothing is better than feeling pretty and badass at the same time. Layer on that mascara, girl!

Chapter 2: Evenings with your Rancher
1. Leftovers are quick and easy for dinner, who cares if you eat the same thing two nights in a row! He's hungry and tired and happy to have something ready for him. Give yourself a break every now and then and take advantage of this.

2. Leave the dishes in the sink every now and then and catch a movie on Netflix with the hubs.

Chapter 3: De-Stress Exercises
1. Get outside. We can all waste hours staring off into the interwebz, but fresh air is truly the best medicine. Go for a walk or sit outside and read a book.

2. Talk to the animals. They are great listeners and hardly ever judge.

3. When all else fails ask your rancher if any demo needs to be done around the ranch.

 Chapter 4: Lifestyle
1. Never start a shower when your husband recently told you he thinks there is a crack in a pipe somewhere. Ask for permission or else your shower will be unexpectedly cut short and it will most likely happen in the middle of soaping your hair.

2. Spiders are everywhere and not every one is a brown recluse. Say that with me one more time...Spiders are everywhere and not every one is a brown recluse.

The moment you accept this is the moment your life will improve and your anxiety will lessen. Know that because you are the one in the household with a small case of arachnophobia, you will be the one to find every spider. You will be the one with the spiders on your side of the bed. You will be the one with the spider in your shoe which leads me to my next two tips...

3. Always check your shoes before you put your feet in them.

4. Remember to check under the sheets before you crawl into bed along with your pet's bedding.
y'all remember Jigs' spider bite, don't you?? In case you missed that one, click here.

5. Shake out your clothes before you put them on. Did I ever share the story about the (very large) spider that crawled down my face because I didn't shake out my shirt? I'll spare you, but just know it wasn't pretty.

6. Shake out your towel before you use it. I don't think I ever told you about the spider I dried my face with once. Yeah, that wasn't pretty either.

Okay, enough about spiders. Let's move on to water.

7. Do not freak out when you go to use the restroom and the person before you didn't flush. It's a country thing and you won't understand until you've experienced your well running dry. Oh, and my fellow Californians - puhlease stop rinsing down your concrete driveway. That water you are wasting was a gift from the Colorado mountains, water that we really could use right about now.

8. When you have animals do not make solid plans with your friends. The second you do there will be a sheepergency and you'll have to cancel, then you just look like an ass. I have a standard sheep disclaimer that I include every time I RSVP.

9. Y'all already know not to pick up stray "dogs" at night. If you haven't heard that story, click here.
10. Do not. I repeat DO NOT lift up anything old and rusty looking at the ranch. If it looks like it's been there for a while chances are there is something dead and decomposing underneath. True story.

11. When you hear heavy breathing outside your window, always assume it's the neighbors cows not a bear or a peeping Tom.

12. God gave us two hands for a reason. One hand is to hold a glass of wine and the other to open and close the ranch gates.

Country girls, what have you learned the hard way?
Share your tips and stories in the comment section below!